From fearing God, to not thinking He exists, to Him saving my life. The story of God’s faithfulness in my life starts from Catholic elementary school. One of my first memories about God is in the first grade with me wondering why holding up the middle finger is bad. I held it up to my friend and he said to not do that because “It is like saying the F word to God since you’re pointing it at Him”. Interesting conversations for 6-year-olds to be having. I remember being so sorry and praying for forgiveness for my ignorance. I also have some memories of the Catholic church, I found it so boring, and I dreaded going. I hated having to sit in the pews, I hated standing, I hated the singing, I hated the smell, and later, I hated the way some believers acted too.
As I grew up, I became a skeptic (and sometimes contrarian) so I started to question God. I thought religion was just people creating explanations for what happens when you die and how the world began since no one knew for sure. I asked popular atheist questions like “If God exists, why does he allow evil?” and “If God exists, then why doesn’t he prove himself?” and for 10+ years I never found a good answer. After a while, I just gave up. When people talked about religion I tuned out or even walked away if applicable.
In high school, I was very depressed and my confidence and self-worth were as low as possible. My life felt purposeless and I contemplated suicide often. One day I was scrolling through Instagram when I saw an ad for a wristband. Specifically, a wristband with Philippians 4:13 on it saying “I can do all things…” but didn’t say the rest of the verse. But even more specific than that, it was a Steph Curry wristband. As a Cavaliers fan who also disliked religion, there is no reason I should’ve wanted this, but I felt compelled to buy it.
I thought if I could read that on my wrist, it would remind me that I’m capable of whatever I set my mind to. I received the wristband in the mail and wore it every single day until the ink wore off. It was a genius idea in my mind, “I should get more of these wristbands with motivational quotes!”, and I did just that. Once I did that I put them on and they felt meaningless, just like rubber on my skin. I guess my genius idea wasn’t as genius as I thought. So I decided to just wear the ink-less Bible verse wristband. This wasn’t the end of my mental issues, but it was a step in the right direction.
Years later, I was still struggling with suicidal thoughts but this was worse than ever. I still believe that if I had a gun, I would’ve made a terrible mistake. But with my self-esteem at its lowest and when I felt like I truly had no one, I attempted to reach the suicide hotline as a last hope. The specifics are a blur but I remember not being able to get to anyone and I was ready to leave this Earth. And for no reason, I was told that I was important, that I was special, and that this wasn’t going to be the end for me. I felt that I had a purpose bigger than this and I just needed to keep going. What? Did that just come from my own head? That doesn’t make sense.
Nothing came of any of this for years and years, I still avoided religion like the plague. It wasn’t until I met someone that I didn’t know was a devout Christian until we were already talking. They asked me questions about my life and made me realize a lot. I realized how crazy these stories sound to come out of a nonbeliever’s mouth. Not to mention that when I would be very low, I’d feel compelled to pray and ask for help. And once I said all this out loud everything hit me like a ton of bricks. I realized God stayed faithful to me through it all. Every blasphemous thought, every action against His will, He decided to speak to me and save my life.
My skepticism did not end though, but this time it was more of a confusion. I reconnected with Brian and I was glad I had someone to answer or talk through some of these questions with. Since I lived most of my life as an atheist, I wanted to have an answer to every question people asked. This made me search hard and consistently. I now believe that theism is more logical than atheism, and there is no religion more logical than Christianity. I hope my writings convey that same idea and help others with those same questions.
While I don’t have the answer to every question, I have an undeniable truth which is Jesus’ effect on my life. He has healed my mental health in a way that therapy or any other solution I sought after did. For any nonbelievers reading, I pray you seek with an open and humble heart. I pray you are healed from your past and have peace with your future.
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
John 16:33
